Those Masked Desires
by CharliePGirl09
Summary: Staring at my reflection I realised, i would never be good enough for him. Before I knew what I was doing my fingers were sliding past my lips and down my throat. I would make myself worthy of him. Sensitive Topic. ExB JxA RxE CxE Read and Review


My eyes fluttered open, taking in my cold, empty room. It was morning, the part of day I hated the most. Forks was having another predictably rainy day, which actually cheered me up as it meant Edward wouldn't be confined to his house all day. Unlike most mornings, Edward wasn't here. I suddenly realised I wasn't enclosed in his cold embrace. I looked around my room again, taking in the empty rocking chair and the open window. On the top of my CD player was a note addressed to me.

"To My Beautiful Bella,

I'm out hunting with Emmet and Jasper. I will be around to pick you up before school. I miss you already.

Love Edward

Xo"

I sighed realising I wouldn't see him for another hour and got up to shower. My stomach growled a demand for food that I ignored like I did most times. A while later I emerged from the bathroom, dressed in Apple Bottom Jeans, Alice had enforced on me and a long sleeved blue shirt. I heard the familiar sound of his horn and looked out my window to see that Edward was at the door of the Volvo, holding it open. It was curious that no one else had ever questioned the Cullen's age or humanity when they all possessed traits that were rare in this modern age. But Edwards gentleman ways were just further reminders how much he loved me.

Like usual he sped to school, our fingers interlocked between us. The space next to Emmets' jeep was free. Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. Overtime Jasper had grown so use to my scent there was no longer the threat of my death if he smelled an open wound. Alice beat Edward to my door, wrenching it open and pulling me out. She was more excited than usual bouncing on the spot.

"I love it Bella!" She squealed trapping me in her tiny arms.

"You love what?" I questioned.

"Your Idea!" She practically yelled. I had no idea what she was talking about, gazing at Edward I saw him fighting to keep himself from laughing.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Alice"

"Last night! You were sleep talking and you had an idea about the honeymoon!" She sang at vampire speed. I thought carefully about my dream last night and blushed. I had dreamed about consternating my marriage. Alice and Edward laughed at my obvious discomfort.

"Not that part! About it being a family holiday instead! I looked ahead and Esme and Carlisle can't come but we can and it's going to awesome!" Alice squealed louder this time. She were radiating so much excitement that Jasper let out a sound between a squeal and a moan. I laughed with the others as he sent a calming wave over us. The bell rang from inside the building and Edward took my hand and led me to English. I had every class with either Edward or Alice, another innovative idea Edward had had to keep me safe while I was human. Honestly I didn't mind though, I hated being away from him and Alice was fun to be around. We took our seats at the back of the class and opened our books to Poetic techniques. School was a mandatory component of Mine and Edwards relationship. He insisted I finish even though he knew I had a perfect 4.0 and know more than most of the teachers. No one knew we were engaged. I never took the ring off yet no one had seemed to notice, Edward assured me he hadn't heard anything. This struck me as odd, as to me it seemed like a giant beacon that drew you in. Edward watched me as I doodled in the margins of my book. My drawings were something I never noticed. I wasn't good, no matter how hard I tried. Like when Alice had her visions and her hand skimmed across a piece of paper to draw what she saw my pen drew without me even thinking. The hour passed quickly, with Mr. Collins handing out the homework assignment, to write a poem which involved questions about the dominating theme. I sighed loudly and stood to join the rest of the class filing out. Edwards arms were tightly wrapped around my waist, directing me to French and then Biology. The classes passed in much the same fashion as English. Finally Lunch came and we made our way to the cafeteria. Alice and jasper were already waiting with four trays of food. I stiffened as I neared the table, a movement that wasn't unnoticed by the others. Edward eyed me warily.

"Thanks Alice!" I smiled indicating to the tray in front. She beamed back, before jumping into a conversation about where we could go on my honeymoon. I stared at the tray in front of me, silently cursing myself for being so insecure that I would purposely reframe from eating. I picked up an apple, knowing it had the least amount of calories and bit into it. Alice was discussing with Edward the possibility of going to Hawaii. Jasper however eyed me warily. I'd forgotten he'd be able to sense the amount of guilt I was feeling for eating and for being so selfish. I hadn't always been like this. It was only the last few weeks that I had developed a fear of food. I was so scared Edward would stop finding me attractive. I couldn't imagine a life without him and my primary concern was my appearance. I had always been aware that I was nothing special, but the last year had made this pain staking obvious. Many of the girls in the school questioned out loud what someone as gorgeous as Edward saw in someone as ugly as me. And whilst he continued to hiss at them and draw me closer to him reassuring me of my beauty, the gossip had gotten to me.

Snapping out of my thoughts I looked into Jaspers questioning eyes and gave him a huge smile. This seemed to ease some of his queries because he smiled back and looked away. I would have to be more conscious in future. For the rest of the hour I nibbled at my apple agreeing with Alice that Hawaii did sound utterly beautiful but reminding her of the sun. She sighed seeming to have forgotten that small factor. The rest of the day passed smoothly. My stomach ached, begging to be fed but thankfully stayed silent. I bit my bottom lip as I zoned out, thinking about my future.

It didn't matter that Edward and the Cullen's were Vampires. It didn't matter that in order to spend eternity with my beloved I had to sacrifice my family. It didn't even matter that my best friend Jacob was to be my sworn enemy. All that mattered was I was to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. As soon as school finished, As soon as I got that piece of paper that announced my Graduation at Forks High my world would change, everything would change and for the most part..It would change for the better. But until then I would remain human. I would continue to live with my father, Charlie and continue attending Forks High. Alice, my sister/best friend was planning the most exquisite wedding of the century. Edward had proposed with a breath taking ring that outdated most antiques. The ring shown symbolically. It reminded me of my future skin that like diamonds would crystallize my body. It symbolized the love that Edward had for me, love that would last for eternity and more. But most obviously it symbolized the fact that I was no one else's but Edwards.

His arms slid around my waist bringing me back to reality. The class was packing up but he showed no signs on movement. His eyes penetrated mine, as if he was trying to read my mind.

"What are you smiling about," His angelic voice questioned. My eyes stayed focused on the ring,

"Forever," I whispered, knowing I sounded clichéd. He chuckled, and picked my bag up, walking me to the Volvo.

We drove to his house in silence. Our fingers once again interlocked. As soon as the car stopped Rosalie was yanking open my door. A lot had changed over the past year. Rose had gotten over her queries about me and was now as loving as Alice. She dragged me to the house and up to her room to show me what she had bought today. She and Emmet had graduated last year, and were now taking a year off, waiting for the rest of us to finish before we all went to College. The spare time had given her a chance to invest herself in the wedding plans. Today she had been out florist shopping and had bought what seemed like one of every flower in existence. Alice was waiting for us in her room. Apparently it was essential the flowers didn't clash with my scent or my skin tone. It was times like these I was glad I was not in charge of organising my own wedding. After two excruciating hours, we finally made our way to the backyard, where Edward, Jasper and Emmet were play fighting. I sat on the steps and watched as they flew back and forth landing bone shattering blows on each other.

"Watch Out Jasper!" Alice squealed. Jasper looked at her and suddenly found himself pinned to the ground by Emmet. Rose laughed, whilst Alice jumped up to join in, saving her husband. Emmet play-growled,

"That's not fair!" But Alice just laughed and poked her tongue out. At this Rose jump up to help Emmet. I watched the five of them fight; it was pretty evenly matched with Edward being able to see everyone's actions as they decided them. I sighed,

"I can't wait till I can play too!" I whispered, knowing perfectly well the others would hear me. Edward let out a startling growl.

"NO! I would never let you join in! There is too much chance you'd get hurt!" Alice made a disgusted sound, as did Rose. Emmet however laughed.

"I will play if I want to play! I'd be just as strong as you and perfectly capable of looking after myself!" I couldn't believe he thought he was going to continue to baby me after I was changed.

"I said No Bella" His voice was half demanding, half pleading. I shook my head but before having a chance to respond Alice cried out.

"Oh No! Bella.." The others shot her a frightened look but she shook her head, "You will be sick later, I see you throwing up. You better be careful what you eat!" I gave her a smile that I hope conveyed a look that thanked her for the warning. I had been throwing up nightly, in the time I had alone whilst I showered and dressed for bed. I was slightly amazed she hadn't seen it before but quickly came to the conclusion that she must have been looking to see if I would fight with them in the future and instead saw that. Edward was quickly at my side.

"Come on, I'll take you home." Rose and Alice jumped up to hug me, I quickly waved to the others and let Edward take me home. He walked me to the door and pulled me into his embrace. My head rested against his chest and I imagined I could hear his heart beat and that our hearts beat as one.

"I'll be back soon," He promised before kissing me goodbye and speeding off.

I walked in, past Charlie who was passed out on the couch and straight to the bathroom. I stripped off and stared at my reflection. Overcome with desperation to be beautiful, to be worthy of Edwards love I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and forced myself to be sick, just as Alice had predicted.


End file.
